Wolfy Chai

It was Sunday morning, the four lizard sisters–Agatha, Margarine, Nina, and Agnes–met for brunch as per usual.

Agatha was the reputed black sheep of the family. Her lesbianism had put her on the chopping block as far as their parents were concerned. In reaction, Agatha became a “STB” or, Stone Cold Bitch—not a STD which Agatha politely requested a distinction be made. She did not actively seek to deflower any and all voluptuous females in her path, like a lawnmower. She was just a simple girl, with simple pleasures. One such pleasure was her habit of smoking like a chu-chu-train. Her skin was slimy, a deep green. Her eyes were surgically enlarged and always were fashioned with a pair of extremely long fake eyelashes.

Margarine was the troublemaker sister. She was recently diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Bi-polar Depression after her 3-week stint at the Golden Dove Psychiatric Hospital. Apart from that little incident, she suffered from a bad hip, obesity, and an addiction to Benzodiazepines. Before she was locked up, she was the theater director at Montgomery Central High in Atlantic City, New Jersey. Now, against the backdrop of her underground weed-cultivation operation, she teaches remote voice lessons to up-and-coming Broadway child-star hopefuls. She had to move into the basement because neighbors began complaining about the screaming they heard reverberating from her house. So, these days she spends most days lounging around down there, getting stoned, sipping a Circle-K Mountain Dew, and eating her favorite snack: the limited edition “Golden Sriracha” Doritos.

Nina was the oldest sister but was determined to look the youngest—whatever it took. She had razor sharp hot-iron straightened hair down to her shoulders. She regularly received injections of Botox Cosmetics®, lip filler, had regularly scheduled Ozempic® injections, and swore by her baby-blood facials, sourced from impoverished babies in the remote villages of South Korea. Her personality was cold, rash… and let’s face it, delusional.

Agnes, a disgustingly wealthy housewife, was 8 months pregnant with her fourth child, and the only sister to have birthed children—the other three were barren. She was in the process of packing for her “babymoon” trip to the island of Molokai, Hawaii (the only place in the world where patients with active cases of leprosy are still kept in quarantine). As such, it was her day to be the “hot-potato” of today’s meeting.

But above all, the baby shower was the hot-ticketed item that required a re-convening of the lizard sisters.

Agnes began the conversation. She told the flock of her excitement to travel to an exclusive off-the-beaten-path island in Hawaii. She gloated over the fact that none of them had ever been there and that she would be the first one allowed in since the CDC loosened its restrictions on travel to the island after critically-low levels of leprosy were reached for the first time in centuries.

“I just cannot wait to acquire natural immunity–with that paradise as the backdrop, I am just elated!”, Agnes squawked. Little did she know, she was harboring a dormant chlamydia variant that would inevitably spread to the islanders like the bubonic plague and become multi-antibiotic resistant. Nina then chirped in, stating in her scratchy voice, “but do they have any babies there to bleed dry? I am really running low on my supply”. However, there were no babies on the island. On the island, people were never born—they only died. Agnes lashed back, “This is my babymoon, not yours, Nina,” evidently rolling her eyes.

Agnes’s husband Manny did exactly what his wife wanted him to. If she asked for something, she got it. Now that this would be her fourth child, she requested that he go as big as possible. Agnes’s idea of a good time was feeding on the sick. So he made sure to allot sufficient time each night for her to gaze into the hospital windows where she would suck the patients dry until they inevitably died. She preyed on sick and vulnerable people because the vitality easily leaked out of them, like the sap from an impaled rubber tree, making it easy food for Agnes who relied on it so desperately to maintain her youthful appearance.

After sharing her elaborate vacation plans, Agnes was taken away via helicopter to her private jet where she went on her way to the remote Hawaiian island.

Two weeks had gone by and it was time to wrap things up and go home. At 8 1/2 months pregnant, Agnes became glued to her screen, scanning for the perfect “push present.” She couldn’t decide between the rolodex and the brand new Range Rover. She kept going back and forth, laboring over the inexhaustible list of customizations. She deliberated over which pink tones to include, referencing a paint catalogue she had gotten shipped to her from a Lowe’s located in the outskirts of Omaha, Nebraska.

Within 24 hours of her plane landing, Agnes was pushing out her unborn child. The sisters were called into the room like a coven of witches, gathering around Agnes with eyes that hungrily stared as the baby was pushed out of her body. Nina was handcuffed to the door to prevent any potential slip-ups and was shortly escorted out of the hospital by security as soon as the baby was born.

Agatha pulled out a cigarette out of boredom and started smoking up the delivery room. A cloud of smoke quickly filled the room, prompting the fire sprinklers to go off covering Agnes and her baby in a pool of water. The baby swallowed so much water that the Heimlich maneuver had to be performed on him to stop him from choking to death. Agatha was the next sister to be expediently booted out of the hospital by security. On her way out the front door, she carelessly tossed her lit cigarette in the bush adjacent to the trashcan, causing the bush to go up in flames. The fire department later arrived, spraying water on Agatha’s face as she was caught in the “line of fire”. Agathas wig blew off of her face she thought had been securely snagged to her head. The pins dislodged into the air like a free-range missile, hitting a nearby nurse squarely in the eye. The nurse let out a piercing scream and was taken away in a stretcher for an operation to remove the pin that was still lodged in her eye-socket.

Margarine was the last sister to leave. She wasn’t escorted out by a fire marshal or hospital security. Rather, she left of her own accord. At the time of the fire sprinklers being set off, Margarine was snacking on a pack of hot Cheetos she had recently gotten from the vending machine down the hall. The water didn’t seem to disturb her at all. Her glued-on brows and hair seemed to have exerted very potent water repellent effects. She sat there idly, watching her sister get pulled by a marshal and decided to follow her since she was nearing the bottom of her Cheetos bag. She quickly polished them off, licking the remains off of her moist fat fingers, and tossed the remaining refuse onto the baby’s face, causing tears to flood from his eyes.

Agnes was simply speechless after this. Not because she was in shock, rather, after giving birth she ingested a few tabs of Klonopin and blacked out with her eyes open and tongue hanging out like that of a basset hound.

The following day, while nursing her newborn baby, Agnes–who had blacked out during the prior evening–gave her sister’s invitations to the baptism. It was going to be an event that only came once in a generation—namely, seeing all four lizard ladies descend upon the nearby catholic hermitage.

The plan was to show up in matching attire, each sister would fashion themselves with a black lace veil, slap on thick eyeliner that resembled a skunk, and plaster their lips with blood-red lipstick so that they could give the newly purified baby a kiss that left a mark.

One by one the sisters filed into the pews, sitting in a perfect straight line.

Agatha foraged her own eyebrows this time from an unsuspecting mink that wandered into her backyard in Maine. She thoroughly enjoyed the luxurious quality that real mink fur gave to her brows.

Magarine wore her largest pair of acrylic nails from the recent set she purchased from Claire’s. Additionally, she was tripping balls to the walls, after accidentally inhaling a psychedelic mushroom from the pre-shower hors d’oeurves. Her eyes were frantically scaling the walls, searching for the shifting shadows cast by the cathedral’s archways.

Nina’s face ballooned like a pufferfish after getting a facial treatment involving leeches endemic to the West Bank of the Nile River.

Finally, Agnes arrived with the baby in her arms, whose head was burrowed into her bra.

One by one, each sister came up to the altar to bestow their gifts and well wishes.

Agatha was up first. She decided to gift a giant sheep to keep the baby company while sleeping at night. Every time the baby would cry, the sheep’s eyes would glow red, and would caw out obscure noises attuned to the frequency of Mozart’s 5th symphony to soothe the baby.

Margarine slumped out of her seat, getting her fat folds out of her way in order to properly address the baby in front of her. She gave the newborn a Groupon for ballet lessons so that the baby could begin training at the ripe age of 2.

When it was Nina’s turn she had to be escorted to the altar by armed guards as to not allow her to harm the baby in any way. At first sight, Nina feasted on the infant with her eyes, scanning his little legs and paying close attention to his pudgy, stem-cell filled face. Nina decided that the most appropriate gift for the baby would be a nose job surgery, earmarked for when the baby had reached his elementary school years. Nina could already tell that the baby would have his mother’s ugly nose and acted swiftly and with pride to step up and mend the situation.

Just when everything was going so well. A beam of light illuminated the stained glass windows. God had intervened, extracting each one of the sisters from the church grounds. Giant thorns pierced through the windows. Glass scattered across the aisles in slow-motion. The roots swallowed each sister, pulling them down into the depths of hell where they came from. But, right before their slimy skins recoiled upon contact with the lava pit, each of them let out a hiss and they shed their skin, causing the sheddings to cascade into the furnace below. Their bodies were set free. Dispersing like a band of death-eaters into the overcast skies above.