To recap, the two girls from Season 1 of Hungry Mary’s had hit the road. The plan was to get out of Latin America so they could distance themselves from the illegal underground world they used to be a part of. This was a fresh start for them—one that did not involve criminal conduct. Everything was going smoothly with the girls—that is, until Ruby’s left eye started to puff up. It got bigger and bigger, redder and redder, until they were forced to see a doctor.
At the clinic, the doctor looked her right in the eye, opening her eyelid with a clamp and using a flashlight that nearly blinded her. After close examination and a series of sterile swabs for culture, they were able to make a formal diagnosis. Ruby had acquired Chlamydial Conjunctivitis, a sexually transmitted infection. She figured this must have happened whilst in prison with the other Cows.
The doctor told them that the treatment costs ranged from 1 to 3 hundred dollars. Since the two didn’t have the cash, they decided to opt out of the treatment. Instead, under Ruby’s instructions, they ran to the nearest pharmacy and purchased a bottle of hydrogen peroxide.
They pulled over onto the side of the highway to get the deed over with. Veronica, who really didn’t care if it stung, started squirting undiluted peroxide directly into Ruby’s eyes instead of patting the edges with a cotton ball—like they had discussed. Ruby began to scream and swat at Veronica’s face, telling her to “cut it out!” After one particularly ferocious smackdown, Veronica toppled over the road’s guardrails and was swallowed by a forest of unassuming cattails. She emerged from the underbrush coated in cattail fluff. She spat out the residual fluff that got caught in her windpipe by lowering to the ground and violently coughing.
When her asthma attack finally subsided, she peered over to Ruby, noticing that her left eye had fully closed over from the swelling. The two clamored their way into a Halloween store so the eye wouldn’t draw unwanted attention. They eventually found the perfect solution: an eye patch.
Ruby walked out with the last remaining eye patch. Finally, they could have a breather. So they kept driving and driving. Days had passed, and they finally made it into Mexico. They had just entered into the southern tip of the Chihuahua Desert when their car broke down on a dirt road. The sun was scorching, but luckily beginning to set on the horizon. They realized that they had to set up camp for the night. But first, as per usual, Ruby had to pee.
She ran for a series of boulders to crouch down in. While widening her stance to relieve herself, she failed to notice the flashing lights that dashed across the sky overhead. When she was just about wrapping up and shaking off her legs, a blinding spotlight enveloped her. She felt her body levitate, almost as if a vacuum were sucking her towards the sky. She was beamed into the air, until making a reappearance on what looked like a spacecraft.
The aliens on the craft looked very similar to humans, only that they had an extra eye on their foreheads and long green fingers. Little did she know, eye patches were a hot-ticket item on the Alien Exchange Market, “AEM” for short. It became sort of a fashion trend, and all the buzz after a TV competition star wore one as a fashion statement in the reunion episode. The aliens first strapped her down on a stretcher, surrounded her, and tickled her body to tenderize her.
They then proceeded to remove the eye patch. However, upon getting a quick glance at the decaying flesh that resided underneath it, the aliens recoiled in disgust. Suddenly, everyone on the craft began profusely vomiting like a group of tourists in Key West on a dolphin discovery boat. The scene caused so much distress a code yellow button was pressed—the one that initiates the procedure to eject an unwanted foreign object. Before she knew it, Ruby was launched out of the spacecraft at meteoric speed, flailing into the air while catching on fire. Veronica saw an object descend from the heavens and shrugged, thinking it was probably just a shooting star. Luckily, Ruby managed to land in a nearby reservoir, where the flames were promptly extinguished and she could climb out.
The two finally had reached the sea. Or what they thought would be open ocean. Veronica manned the wheel because it was much too dangerous for Ruby to drive with her eye injury. They were coming around a corner near a towering cliff when Veronica did not notice a turn. She drove the semi-truck through a barricade, and the two tumbled into the sea after being thrown out of the windshield. Ruby conveniently landed on a branch that had cushioned her tumble. She did not think Veronica made it and began pretending to weep for a second or two. Then, all of a sudden, a hand clawed its way onto the ledge—it was Veronica herself. Her hair wet, her hand a little bloody, and her face, enraged.
The two were stuck like a pair of mountain goats on the rock face. The sun was going down. They didn’t know what they were going to do. Then, from below, a net that was attached to a harpoon gun swallowed the two up, and they found themselves entangled in it in the middle of a very large wooden sea vessel.
At first, they were relieved to have been saved. Little did they know, the crew that had retrieved their bodies from the cliff was a band of pirates with a peculiar appetite for human flesh. Instead of being released, they were shoved into the dungeon below the deck.
The two found themselves behind iron bars, cloaked in darkness, and sweating due to the oppressive heat that was generated by the claustrophobic enclosure. Ruby had one remaining fan she slid out of her bra to soften the brunt of the boiling dungeon. Veronica immediately went feral, clamoring at Ruby so that she could catch some of the breeze for herself. While they were distracted like a pair of quarreling pigeons, the pirate on watch came to make his rounds, inspecting the behavior taking place in the cells. He saw the object causing the cluster-f*ck and swiftly snatched it out of their slippery, sweat-filled hands.
The two glared at the guard, and like a pair of rabid baboons, they slammed their bodies against the bars, wildly grasping for the fan that was kept just out of reach. Veronica began biting the bars like a dog that required a bone to quell its aggression. They were furious. However, all the fighting had made them work up an even greater sweat.
To make matters worse, the resident pirate witch lit a fire and started boiling a huge cauldron of water over it, causing the temperature of the dungeon to climb to temperatures similar to the surface of the sun. Their sweat had been collected the entire time in a drain below the cell without their knowledge. Apparently, that was an essential ingredient in seasoning a human body to perfection.
As the witch began cackling in delight, she would often have to breach the surface of the dungeon to get relief from the heat herself. However, there was an explosion. The cauldron spilled all over the place when a bomb penetrated the starboard side of the vessel, releasing a large plume of steam that had accumulated in the dungeon. Dinner had an interruption.
The damage that was sustained by the bombardment was sufficient to leave just enough room for the two to escape. Veronica had to push Ruby out first, who was terrified of being shot while suspended in the air during the duration of their descent into the dark blue waters below. Squealing like a piglet, Ruby belly-flopped into the water, stomach first, causing her to sustain a giant red rash on her upper abdominal area. Veronica jumped next, flopping on top of Ruby just as soon as she resurfaced. Ruby violently belched like a breaching humpback whale in response.
In the distance, they could see a sinking vessel that had been hit by the pirates’ ship. All of a sudden, a woman leapt off the sinking bow onto an enormous pile of cocaine that kept her afloat. Then a cannon let off, blasting her off the top of the cocaine mountain, causing her to fling far off into the distance like a fly that got swatted away.
The pirates retreated after seizing the booty, and Ruby and Veronica started slowly making their way to this strange woman, after managing to climb onto a lifeboat.
After several hours, the two managed to locate the woman—just not in the way they had anticipated. They noticed that there was this strange fishing net stuck on a buoy. It looked like seaweed had been entangled in it. At this point, the sky was dark. However, the lifeboat was equipped with a flashlight.
They flashed into the entanglement, and Ruby started using her hand to fish through the nets in order to feel what was stuck. She clasped onto something that was particularly slimy. Thinking that it was a clump of seaweed, Ruby uprooted the clump as if she were harvesting an untenable mandrake. The clump, that had apparently been sleeping (or stoned), however, let out a screech.
From the water that had been circulating in and out of her droopy jaw, the woman blasted Ruby with a jet of saliva mixed with seawater (or brackish water, if you will). The two realized—when Veronica shined the flashlight directly into her pupils—that it was the cocaine woman after all.
Pulling her aboard was a challenge. Not only was her hair stringy and slimy, her entire body seemed to be coated in a thin layer of slime, akin to the biofilm found in someone with an active yeast infection. Finally, the woman was thrown on board, landing on the side of her face like a half-alive catfish. The mysterious woman slurred, “I’m… I’m huuuuuungry!”
Ruby, who always happens to have a snack on hand as emergency currency, ruffled through her bra and undercarriage and eventually pulled out a bag of steamed edamame. Ruby began shooting bean by bean into the wilting sea woman’s mouth until a stray bean hit her in the eye, ricocheting into the ocean, causing a shark feeding frenzy beneath their boat.
As a result, they began frantically paddling to the shore, making their way to a rocky coast where a lighthouse had guided them. They huddled their way up a stone path through the coastal shrub.
The woman, by this time, had revived, being that she was a nocturnal creature by nature. By now, the LSD she took had worn off. She finally introduced herself to the girls: “Hi, darlings, you can call me Sergeant Sue. It is a pleasure to meet you,” she croaked in a smoky voice. This utterance of words invoked a violent coughing fit, as if she were an HVAC unit that had turned on its heat setting for the first time in years. Sue was hacking so much from her diaphragm that she eventually spat out a wad of saliva into the dark woods.
“We are almost there,” Sue continued. “We just need to make it up this hill… we can crash at my cabin in the woods.”
Ruby and Veronica went along with the plan, as they were too delirious to care. Unfortunately, this made them overlook several suspicious details about Sgt. Sue that they otherwise wouldn’t have overlooked.
The three made first sight of the elusive Sue cottage on the hill. The house was all dark, with the exception of a single candle that was still lit by a window. The wood paneling was black, and the front door had a medieval-style macabre iron handle. Sue walked up to the front door and aggressively tugged on the handle until it finally started creaking open.
As soon as it was cracked just enough, a cauldron of bats flew out of the house. One stray bat happened to smack Sue directly in the face on its way out and quickly bounced into the sky. Sue remained completely unfazed, as apparently this was not uncommon in her neck of the woods. The legend goes, the bats were attracted to cobwebs that Sue had allowed to take refuge in the thick nest of hair that was matted on her head.
Veronica and Ruby, on the other hand, were hysterical. The two let out a synchronized scream and desperately attempted to scurry away from the miasma of bats that had taken flight over their heads. However, in the very next moment, a large dog started barking from a bush behind them.
“Woof, woof, woof, woof,” the sound increasing in aggression and proximity with each additional bark. The barking forced the girls to scatter into the cottage, and from there on out, there was no going back.
Sue immediately dove into the pile of paraphernalia and contraband on her kitchen table until she managed to dislodge a green-tinted bong from the rubble. Her eyes lit up like a jack-o’-lantern as she grasped and gently stroked the familiar handle of her favorite bong. She fetched some organic greens from the fridge and “lit the b*tch,” as she would say. The first plumes of smoke to emerge from the bong quickly coated the kitchen in a dense fog. Sue inhaled an exceptionally large hit of the bong, sucking the particulate matter deep into her lungs. She held it in until she started to get blue in the face and dramatically exhaled using the “lion’s breath”—a technique she learned while at hot yoga where you forcibly and audibly exhale.
“Ahhhhhhh, now that’s better. Mama is relaxed now,” Sue exclaimed.
Ruby went scavenging for something in the house that resembled food. To her dismay, the fridge and pantry were almost completely empty apart from a box of expired matzah ball soup. While she bent down to retrieve the box out of the pantry, a creature had managed to latch onto her hair. By this time, Sue was nearly passed out, totally stoned, and lying in a pile of dirty laundry in the corner. When Ruby screamed, Veronica rushed into the room, where she caught the first glance of the creature—a venomous African viper Sue had brought home from one of her international escapades.
“What is this thing?” Veronica screamed to Sue. She repeated with growing annoyance, “Sue, what the f* is this?”
Sue managed to roll her body over amongst the growing pile of soiled laundry, squeaking, “Ahhh, that is my pet, Lola. Just be cool about it, okay?” Sue walked over with a pitchfork that she used to catch the venomous viper with and put it back in its cage.
“I almost forgot about you, honey. You probably are hungry,” Sue remarked.
She then proceeded to examine the mouse traps she had set all over the house. Until—SNAPPPPPPP!!!—everyone heard a crunch.
“Oh f*ck,” Sue snapped, after having caught her big toe in one of the traps. After she managed to wiggle it out of the trap, Sue finally found one with a mouse.
Sue picked it up and hovered it over her snake’s cage until the viper swallowed the rodent whole.
While Sue was having a manic episode and cleaning every corner of the house with cotton swabs on her elbows and knees, Ruby got to work cooking the matzah ball soup, trying to pretend it was all “normal.” Apparently, Sue did not have a regular stovetop, so she was forced to cook over an open flame in the fireplace. Veronica asked Sue—who was lying on her back under the table, furiously cleaning every crevice—for a glass of water. Surely that was a normal ask.
To the contrary, it was far from normal. Sue took out a remote control that looked more like a bomb detonator with a huge red button and pressed down on it with glee. Suddenly, the ground opened up and a fountain emerged in the center of the floor. “I call it my fountain of youth,” Sue proclaimed proudly. Because there were no glasses, the girls were forced to bend over and slurp from the communal pool of water like common waterfowl.
After, they all sat down to eat. While at the table, a rogue UNO® card slipped out of Ruby’s blouse. Sue’s eyes zoomed in on the descending article of paper with razor precision. She exclaimed, “Is that a game I see?” “We follow MY rules in MY house, and in this house we don’t play games!” she shouted. Looking like she had just had her head bitten off, Ruby threw the card into the fire and retreated in remorse to her soup.
They finally finished and were ready to sleep. The two were placed in the guest room, which was fashioned with a pair of twin beds.
While they were sound asleep—Ruby snoring calmly—Veronica gasped for air, suddenly waking up from a nightmare. A cold breeze seemed to fill the room. Ruby’s blanket floated off of her. The door slammed shut. The hair on Ruby’s arms stood up, and she was now wide awake.
“Did you hear that?” Veronica whispered.
“It is freezing, but yes, I also heard something howling outside the door,” Ruby mumbled.
The two crept towards the door and slowly creaked it open. An icy, wailing wind followed. The two began to shiver. Lights began flickering on and off in the long, dark hallway in front of them. The wind started to cause the wallpaper to rustle. A bolt of lightning flashed from the window at the end of the hall. The two let out a scream and jumped in response. A dark, shadowy figurine was revealed in its place. It seemed to appear out of thin air, although they could only see its silhouette.
The hidden figure let out a deep groan: “Mmmmmmmmmmm,” it uttered.
“Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary…” it recited over and over again, gradually walking closer and closer.
“Boo!” it said. As another flash of light lit up its face, Veronica jabbed the figure—before she was able to realize it was Sergeant Sue. Sue toppled to the ground and stayed man-down, with her eyes opened extra wide, staring aimlessly at the ceiling and not blinking once. After waving their hands in front of her face for several minutes, Sue suddenly rebooted to her factory settings, now fully awake, and said,
“Oh, I guess I must have been sleepwalking again. I am sorry, dears,” and then went on her way.
Now unable to sleep, Veronica and Ruby lay awake talking and staring at the ceiling. They had thought the house was for sure haunted. As the clock struck 4 a.m., they had just started to doze off when the closet door began to violently rattle. Veronica jumped into Ruby’s bed. Something was in there for real this time. A ghost walked through the door and started floating towards the girls. But before it could get its clutches on them, Veronica flicked on the lights, which seemed to burn the ghost until it vanished. Now hyperventilating, the girls decided to sleep together in the twin bed for the rest of the night.
It was now 7:00 a.m. The girls were woken this time by the house-wide alarm system that Sue had installed. Sue rushed into the room.
“The Feds have found me out. Quick, help me open the walls!” Sue screamed while panting.
Little did they know, Ruby and Veronica had stumbled into a crack house.
Sue began slashing open the paper-thin decoy walls with a steak knife. All of a sudden, a mountain of cash poured into the hallway. The three frantically began stuffing the wads of dollar bills into huge black trash bags and throwing them out the window into a dumpster truck below.
Sue scolded, “Come on, come on! We gotta hurry, you slow b*tches.”
Then, they heard the pounding on the front door downstairs. The Feds had breached the outer walls.
One by one, the girls leapt out the window into the cash pile below. Helicopters began swarming the surroundings, increasing the temperature of the hysteria. Sue was about to make her leap when she remembered that she forgot her bong and weed. She ran downstairs, opened the fridge, and started pouring the weed into a big bag.
Then—BOOM—the front door exploded. Sue was smashed against the wall due to the impact of the explosives. The Feds cornered her in the kitchen, with a bag of Mary Jane still in her teeth. She was then tackled to the ground, aggressively handcuffed, and quickly wrestled away into the back seat of a patrol car.
While the Feds were distracted, Ruby and Veronica were able to make a run for it, driving the dumpster truck off into the horizon.
To be continued…
Wolfy Chai 
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